The first Day that I was a Life

The first Day that I was a Life
I recollect it—How still—
That last Day that I was a Life
I recollect it—as well—

'Twas stiller—though the first
Was still—
‘Twas empty—but the first
Was full—

This—was my finallest Occasion—
But then
My tenderer Experiment
Toward Men—

"Which choose I"?
That—I cannot say—
"Which choose They"?
Question Memory!

    

        -Fr823, J902, Fascicle 40, 1864


What an intriguing poem. The mystery of the poem begins with the idea that one could recollect the first day of being “a Life.” Because none of us can remember being born, it leads you to wonder if we are talking about biological life here or something else?       

Is it being born into the world of "Men" we are talking about in this poem, or the first day of being in love? This poem, I think, can be read both ways. Ultimately, For Dickinson, I think "Life" and "Love" are inextricable. (See the last line of the poem directly preceding this one in fascicle 40, which clearly states, "For Life—be Love—")

Either way, speaking of being born as “still” is tremendous. That single word “still” is so powerful. It says so much with so little. The word still, itself, is so still here. I think it is saying something like,  “The earth and time, everything, stood still when I met you.”

The mystery of the poem continues with that recollection of the last day of Life. How could we speak, let alone recollect, after the last day of Life? This is not an unusual impossibility for Dickinson, as several of her poems take this tack. (“I heard a fly buzz when I died.”)

The second stanza is hard to follow syntactically. It goes like this,

(The last day) 'Twas stiller—though the first
Was still—
(And the last day) ‘Twas empty—but the first
Was full—

Or, put into prose, "Though the first day was still, it was full, whereas the last day was empty, which made it even stiller."  In other words, Dickinson is saying that absolute loss (emptiness of death) is even more arresting (still) than absolute gain (fullness of birth.)

The third stanza begins,

This—was my finallest Occasion—

This is a sad poem, but we can smile at the idea of “Finallest.” Is there something finaller than final? The phrase intends to emphasize the finality of finality.  And yet, here we are. It begs the question: if it was the “finallest occasion,” then what occasioned the poem?

I’ll leave that question, and we’ll move on to the next mystery:

But then
My tenderer Experiment
Toward Men—

What is the experiment of living (and dying) as perceived by Dickinson? And does this poem point toward the result of this experiment? I think in the last lines it leaves the result up to the reader.

There is so much here to ponder in this third stanza. Is "Men" meant to be humanity in general? It seems to take this poem into the realm of the super-mythic.

Also, If this experiment is “tenderer,” does that mean there is another possible result of this experiment which is less tender toward men?

The last stanza begins with a question.

"Which choose I"?

It’s possible Dickinson means, which result of the experiment did I choose, being tender toward men, or becoming hardened to them. But since she sets up the dialectic between the full first day of life and the empty last day of life here, she is likely asking which of these she would choose given the choice. But perhaps those two questions are tied together. Again, Love and Life are inextricable. If the emptiness of death is stiller than than the fullness of birth, then I think Dickinson is asking here if it is, possibly, better not to be born, or, to extend the idea, better not to love.

She has asked this question in other poems. There was an earlier one (I can't remember which one exactly) in which she says: wouldn’t I have been better off never to known your love than to have it and then have it taken away? I would’ve never known the terrible difference if I had never known the love.

At any rate she concludes here,

That—I cannot say—

And then she throws the question to the reader, and the implication is that the reader's answer will influence her own,

"Which choose They"?
Question Memory!

This poem elicits so many questions, and then tells you, finally, to question for yourself. Question your memory. What do “They,” meaning “Men,” meaning you, choose?

Do you choose life and love, or do you choose death?

If this is a love poem, then this question is complicated, perhaps, by the idea of a lover choosing to leave a relationship.

"Which choose I? " Well, if this finallest thing has any hope, then I choose to live, but only if you, “They,” can search your memory and see that you too should live, that we should do this thing together.

Question Memory! There is an exclamation point there. The reader, who was probably originally Sue, but is now us, is given an imperative. Check your memory! Can you remember love?!?! If you can, then I can too, and maybe this “experiment” can have a “tenderer” result.

     -/)dam Wade l)eGraff

Notes:

1. This phrase, “my tenderer Experiment/ Toward Men” reminds me of the “experiment” mentioned in Fr817:

This Consciousness that is aware
Is traversing the interval
Experience between
And most profound experiment
Appointed unto Men —

Will we succeed at love? That seems to be the gist of this "profound experiment." 

2. 

Christanne Miller in her notes on this poem points out that this poem may allude to Philippians 1:21-23: "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not. For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better."